Married Sex – Hilarious Tweets Describe Why Sex After Kids Is Virtually Non-Existent
Married sex is one thing, but sex after kids is something else entirely. Mostly it’s an idea rather than actual reality, because the arrival of kids turn that reality into a complete work of fiction, turning it into a fantasy that has very little chance of ever happening. Well, at least until your kids are grown up and have left for college. Maybe.
Ask anyone who has kids, they will likely nod in agreement, but for those without kids it’s hard to understand.
Which is why these tweets below about married sex after kids are not only hilarious but they’re enlightening too. Because they come from people who no doubt, especially in the early stages, have indulged in married sex, the kids are clear evidence of that. But when it comes to sex after kids, they show why it’s a different matter entirely. Because even if you do get some of your married sex life back, you have to be really cunning about it.
As kids not only require a helluva lot of looking after, they have boundless energy too And by the time you’re day is over, all you really want to do is sleep. Not hatch some elaborate plan to have some pre-kids married sex.
So Why Is Married Sex After Kids Impossible?
Sure, you can read articles about how the married sex needs to be somehow kept alive and well after your brood arrives. But reading an article (which patents with kids won’t have time to do) on how you’re supposed to keep the flame alive and have sex after kids is one thing. Putting that into practice when you’ve spent the day shepherding screaming children around who have only just gone to bed and it’s 10pm is something else entirely.
Still, the old married sex life may be gone, but at least they have twitter to make jokes about it all.
Check out some tweets on married sex and sex after kids below. And check out #sexafterkids on Twitter for more.
Some Of The Best #SexAfterKids Tweets
— Kim Stringfellow (@Mamastehome) March 13, 2016
— Dracula (@mavismouse1234) February 2, 2017
— Baby Monologues (@babymonologues) July 29, 2016
Being married with children is like being a teenager again. You can only have sex if you sneak around and don’t get caught.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2013
Since becoming parents, the thing my wife and I do naked most often is to fall asleep while discussing the possibility of having sex.
— Steve Olivas (@steveolivas) October 14, 2013
Be sure to keep the spark alive by texting him sexy little nothings like,
"We need to check the kids for lice" and "please buy tampons".
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) August 10, 2016
People think being a dad is just wearing cargo shorts and making lame jokes but you also got to have sex at least once and that was cool.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 26, 2016
Instead of a cigarette after sex I usually just mumble stuff like "my back hurts" or "are you getting up with the kids tomorrow?".
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) August 19, 2013
#sexafterbaby is like being an earth bound space shuttle. If "reentry" is 3am u go for it or miss window & spend another week in orbit.
— jlamarsh44 (@jarman44) December 12, 2011
— Pandora Paton (@pandora_paton) May 29, 2017
So sick of blog posts with titles like: Parents tell what sex is really like after having kids.
I'm over here thinking, "There's sex?"
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) June 1, 2016
Dear parents who photograph their children napping or set up dinosaur scenes while their kids are sleeping: You should be having sex.
— USA (@SarahThyre) November 20, 2013
— Tarrence M Patterson (@CrimsonPurgator) May 7, 2014
Having sex when you're a parent is like trying to shoot from half court with 3 seconds left on the clock.
— Anna Grace (@graceful_asfuck) March 22, 2016
Just put on fancy socks and a night shirt with no food stains so I can try to seduce my husband later.
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) January 23, 2016
I need to call my parents and apologize. # sex after kids
— Ginny Dalrymple (@vodalrymple) October 3, 2014
Google before kids: "Cool sex moves"
Google after kids: "LEGO Ninjago: Masters of Spinjitzu: Rebooted: Fall of the Golden Master Season 3"
— highlyirritable (@highlyirritable) October 7, 2015
My bed always looks just as messy now as it did in college. Except it used to be from wild sex & now it's from wild children jumping on it.
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) September 20, 2014
Doctor: No sex for 6 weeks after birth
Me: Why? Did her vagina see its shadow?
Doctor: Please tell me you're not the father.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 17, 2015
I'm on a special birth control called "working and married with kids and too damn tired and drowning in chores" for sex.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) November 23, 2015
Sex before kids: Everywhere. Anywhere. Hot.
Sex after kids: In the midst of sneaking, you kick a pile of toys and Olaf screams "HEADS UP!"
— Court (@Discourt) March 23, 2015
The Great Sahara, but it's just a documentary on what happens to your sex life after marriage & kids.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) August 6, 2015
I will be live tweeting the next time I have sex.
I've been married for 10 years and have three kids…don't hold your breath.
— Fishy Snowboarder (@FishySnowborder) March 5, 2013
— CCMomsBlog (@CCMomsBlog) April 21, 2016
Hipsters, hipsters everywhere! And not any world leaders in sight. Could you imagine walking into your local fashionable coffee house to get your morning half-decaf double skinny…
20 Positive Parenting Solutions For Toddlers – The Hilarious High & Low Struggle Of Getting It Right
Dealing with toddlers can be tough, no doubt. And sometimes following techniques like positive parenting solutions can make things much easier or far more difficult. Because lets…
When it comes to mothers and daughters, sometimes the genes are so strong, the XX chromosomes specifically, that it’s hard to tell them apart. It’s not unusual…
Alan Kurdi remains in many people’s minds as ‘the two-year-old Syrian boy on the beach’ whose images gripped the world and dominated news headlines after he drowned…
These funny tweets about parenting will give you hope that having kids isn’t all about 24/7 screaming toddlers, sleepless nights, and then the emergence of stroppy teenagers….
If there’s a sequel to the upcoming Baywatch movie, it really needs to star Gary the Goat and be set in Australia too. After all, as far…
Parenting can be challenging, but as father of four James Breakwell (Aka. Exploding Unicorn on Twitter) shows on his thoroughly entertaining tweets, it can be pretty enjoyable…
Adult Swim’s animated Rick and Morty show, created by Justin Roiland and Dan Harmon, it can also help you finding meaning in life in this vast uncaring…
If you can’t stand to be apart from your loved ones, then the HB Ring and it’s virtual hearbeat technology is here to help you. Sure, if…
Today is the day you get to hear Puddles Pity Party perform a mashup of Johnny Cash and The Who. It’s a mashup that you probably didn’t…
Artist and Atlanta-based photographer and art director Stephen McMennamy likes to create amazing surreal and humorous combo photos, by taking two seemingly disparate images and merging them…
When it comes to unusual live rock performances, Pink Floyd Live at Pompeii has to be considered as one of the most legendary. The 1972 concert was…